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Solving Relationship Problems
Dr. Daniel G. Amen M.D.

    Too often difficulties in relationships are due to miscommunication or poor problem solving skills. During rough times people get caught up in their anger toward one another rather than taking a "problem solving approach" to their disagreements.

    No one teaches us how to solve relational difficulties, so we're often left with ineffective or inappropriate ways. Here is a simple problem solving formula that some of my patients have found helpful in resolving relational difficulties. It has been used between marital couples, parents and children, and relationships at work.

    Basic Attitude: In any successful relationship, it is  critical to have a baseline attitude of care and respect, and then to filter
information about the other person through that attitude.  I refer to this as having "positive basic assumptions" toward the other person.

    Just having the belief that they care about you cuts down on the number of problems in relationships. When we get caught expecting the worst from another person, we often have concrete evidence that the other person wants to hurt you,  that is a different story. But for most relationships, having these "positive basic assumptions" are critical to their success.

    Problem Definition: Second, when you encounter a problem with another person and begin feeling angry or upset inside, tell yourself to take a few deep breaths and monitor your thoughts for a moment. Next, ask yourself what the real  issues are in the situation. What's the problem. Try to be as specific as possible.

    Your Position: Third, clarify your position. Be clear with yourself about the issue with which you're dealing. If necessary, write this down.

    The Other Person's Position: Fourth, have the other person clarify his or her position, and really try to understand things from their point of view, and vice versa.

    Options: Fifth, together list the options you have in order to deal with the situation. List as many as you can think of, even if they sound ludicrous or silly.

    Decision and Monitoring: Sixth, together choose an option and then monitor how it turns out. If one option doesn't work then go back to your list and choose another one.

    Some people have this problem solving scheme posted where they can see it, so that when a problem arises, they can  systematically go through the steps to effectively solve what is happening at the moment.

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