Second Time Around
-Dating After Divorce
For divorcees, a return to the dating scene can
be particularly demanding - a failed marriage
can leave you fragile and bitter, and children can
leave little time for new relationships.
Dating can be difficult at the best of times. The singles scene is full of
bad matches and selecting Prince Charming from a pack of
pretenders is never an easy choice. But while the search for the
perfect partner can itself be fun, with around half of all marriages
ending in divorce it's clear that for many people mistaken decisions
are being discovered too late. And that means that not just the end of
the marriage, but also an unexpected - and reluctant - return to the
world of dating.
But if the singles scene was tough the first time, those entering for the
second time now bring the added baggage of a failed marriage with
all of its disappointment, pain and acrimony. Where dating once
offered the dream of a happy ending, for divorcees, that dream is often
tainted by bitter experience.
"You can forget the happy-go-lucky, carefree wonders of a first love,"
says Tracy, who at 30 is now separated from her third husband.
"Simplicity is out. You've got more baggage now going into a new
relationship and you can no longer offer the next person the same
thing you could offer your first spouse."
One of the biggest differences between dating pre-marriage and
dating post-divorce, says Tracy, is a willingness to open up
completely to a new partner. After seeing that trust betrayed the first
time, it's difficult to find the confidence to go there again. "It makes you
ask the question, 'how many times do I have to share everything with
someone only to have it all blow up in the end?'" she comments. "Just
the thought of it is exhausting!"
Despite their bitter experience, many divorcees feel the need to rush
back to the single life in an attempt to find a new companion and
reconfirm their desirability. Emotionally fragile and physically alone for
the first time in years, new singles often make the mistake of accepting
an offer from the first eligible person who wanders their way. In addition
to complicating what may already be a difficult divorce process, a
relationship that begins too soon after a split has little chance of
success when one side is actually not ready for a new relationship.
Suzanne, whose 35-year marriage ended last September, was feeling
rejected and alone when she agreed to meet two men she'd spoken
to on the Internet. The dates, she said, were 'nervewracking.' "They
were much too early, and I was forcing myself to go," she said. "There
has been much grieving and I'm progressing at a slow pace. I am not
ready for one on one."
Nonetheless, Suzanne does remain optimistic about the future and to
her surprise has found it possible to forge new friendly relationships
with men. These new friendships have, she says, given her hope. "I
see by my male friends that there is much more possible in a
relationship and certainly hope I am able to find that kind. I believe I
have learned a great deal and still believe very much in marriage."
Unlike many divorcees, Suzanne is lucky in that she enjoys the
support of her children who are encouraging her to find someone new.
With 62% of parents raising their children alone, many divorcees return
to the singles scene to find that dating is practically a group activity.
"It's all or nothing. It's a package deal now," says Tracy, who has a
daughter from each of her three marriages.
According to Dr. Lois Nightingale, a Clinical Psychologist and
Marriage, Family and Child Counselor, younger children usually find it
easier to accept a parent's new partner than older children. But with
children investing as much in the relationship as their parent, that in
itself can be a problem if the relationship doesn't work.
"It's important to introduce children slowly to a new partner," advises
Dr. Nightingale. "First as a fun 'friend' who spends time doing
children-focused activities, and then only sporadically - say twice a
month for the first few months."
Most importantly, new divorcees should avoid a 'revolving door'
policy towards dates, with a stream of new partners moving in and out
of a child's life. "These can be devastating to children and their own
perception of what to expect in relationships. Many children who see
these serial relationships vow never to be in a serious relationship
themselves. Other children become very critical of the parent and see
them as emotionally unstable and therefore unable to be present for
them."
The role of a new partner in a child's life must also be clearly laid out.
While the new partner can set boundaries regarding their own person
and property, it's up to the parents to set the rules, advises Dr.
Nightingale.
"New partners should never take on the role of disciplinarian or the
adult who is giving children 'morals' and 'values,' this is the role of the
biological parent," she says. "A new partner's role is to support,
encourage and help rejuvenate the biological parent, not take their
role over."
Despite the difficulties, it is still possible for divorcees to find a happy
ending. After surviving three failed marriages, Tracy says she still
believes in 'happily-ever-after.'
"I know that marriages are not easy. Heck, people are not easy!" she
says. "But I still have a lot left in me to give someone, and I'm not going
to wither up and die a lonely old woman."
