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How to Get from
"He Says - She Says" to We Say
by Riki Robbins, Ph.D.
What is "negotiating love?" Let's contrast it with a skill you already
know; negotiating. Every day you negotiate; you share information back and forth, dealing and bargaining, in order to reach agreement. In a business
negotiation, you and the other person are adversaries. Because of your competing interests, you mistrust each other. So you work against each
other, not as a team. For example, when you are buying a house you offer a low price, while the seller tries to get the highest possible one.
Lovers who reach agreement have a different outlook. Our mindset isn't "you
against me"; we see each other as allies and caring friends. We "negotiate
love" in an atmosphere of comfort and safety. We strive to trust each other.
Trusting Each Other
It is difficult to trust another person, even someone you love. We
sometimes see each other as potentially dangerous, for we know that even a loving partner can abuse, abandon, betray, or disappoint us. Some of us
have been physically or emotionally abused. Others of us have suffered when a parent or a former spouse walked out. Most of us have felt disappointed
when someone we trusted broke a promise.
When we feel disappointed, we feel powerless and angry. We withdraw
emotionally from each other or counter-attack with words and actions. We don't want to communicate, let alone negotiate our differences.
But there is another option. You and your partner can negotiate love by
communicating as allies and creating trust. While mistrust and attack may
be rules of thumb in the business world, they don't have to pervade your
loving relationships. Instead you and your spouse can together create safe space by expressing your anger in a healthy way, forgiving each other for
disappointments, and making amends to each other afterwards. Then the two of you can negotiate love - share your feelings and your needs and
brainstorm for a solution that meets both of your needs.
Negotiating love is challenging, because you and your partner are dealing
with sensitive emotional issues. Both of you have wounds from your past
that hurt when they are touched. Since you are of two different sexes, you have different outlooks and ways of communicating. How can you overcome
these obstacles? First you can discover what your most painful wounds are. You can share this information with your partner, so s/he won't
inadvertently injure you. Second, you can stop insisting, "I'm right;
you're wrong." Instead you can listen carefully to what your partner says
and reply, "You might have point." Third, you can quit saying, "I'm
innocent; it's all your fault" and declare, "We are both responsible for
what has happened."
Feeling Powerful
To negotiate love effectively, you have to see yourself as a powerful
person. In any relationship, you are as powerful as you perceive you are.
Each sex has special, different kinds of power within. Women have
emotional, sexual and maternal powers. Men have the powers of valuing and recognition, affection and caring, sexual acceptance, occupational support,
and fathering. As you get to know yourself, you get more in touch with your
inner power, which ultimately comes from God's.
When negotiating love, you have to realize you are as powerful as your
partner. You each bring to your relationship the unique power of your own sex. Both you and your partner have feelings and needs that are valuable
and worthy of being honored. Take the time to share them with each other. Instead of sweeping your feelings under the rug, it's a lot more fun - and
much more satisfying - to negotiate love
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