Sally was tired of dating men who never committed. So she resolved that the next time, she would only give the new man in her life six months, after which she would move on if he wasn't willing to discuss the future with her. She felt safer with her new rule, but Sally, like lots of other singles, was in danger of throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Every relationship has its own timetable, and the individuals within the relationship may have differing emotional schedules for commitment. Therefore, any kind of arbitrary rule about when commitment should occur may sabotage a relationship that has real possibilities. These rules fail to take into account the individuality of every relationship and the respect that needs to be there for each person, realizing that we all bring our own expectations that don't necessarily match those of our partner.

There are several things to be considered about the issue of commitment. First, a definition of commitment helps. Early in the relationship, it is the agreement to focus only on each other romantically (exclusivity), and to be willing to discuss and work out problems and issues (commitment to do the work of the relationship). As time goes on, this can evolve into the commitment to live together as a couple and/or marry.

Second, it's important to have a frank, open discussion about where you're coming from at the very beginning of the relationship. I call this the Shopping Conversation, and it happens with the first few dates, as soon as you realize there's strong mutual attraction. Basically, you say something like the following:

"Now that we've gone out a few times, I want to tell you that I like you, I'm attracted to you, and it seems to me that you feel the same about me. I'm at a point in my life where I'm looking for someone to connect with in a relationship that can lead to commitment and possibly marriage. I don't know yet if you' re that person because we've only just begun to get to know each other. *But I'd like to spend time with you and discover if you could be, and I need to know where you are. Are you just wanting to date for fun or are you looking for a relationship that can lead to commitment and marriage? (*It's really important to say this part; otherwise you will almost certainly scare them off!)

This conversation helps determine if you are on the same page in terms of what you're looking for. Westbound Trains (emotionally unavailable people) will almost certainly run away at this point. Northbound Trains (emotionally available) will almost certainly thank you for having the guts to bring this up and will express something similar.

After this point, it's vitally important to have regular You and Me Conversations, which are basically: How are we doing? What do you feel about me? How do I feel about you and about our relationship? Where are we going and where do we want to go with this? And so on. The idea isn't so much to pin someone down and get a commitment as it is to take the emotional temperature of the relationship and discover if you're on the same page or way off the mark with each other. As you remain aware of where you each are on a regular basis, you can then make a joint determination about what to do: Continue forward as before, re-evaluate, separate, get counseling, get engaged, move in together, etc. This is the nature of a healthy relationship: A collaboration of your separate energies into one energy for your mutual benefit. When it is no longer mutually loving, satisfying and nurturing, then one or both may make the decision to break up.

Warning signals that you're not on the same page are: Resistance to having You and Me Conversations; one-sided You and Me Conversations in which there's a lot of energy spent trying to manipulate or lead someone else in a certain direction; You and Me conversations after which there's confusion, anger, or other unresolved emotions.

Another dynamic which may enter the picture is Commitment Hunger, meaning that there's more focus on getting a commitment than there is on the quality of the relationship itself. When this happens, the natural process of growth for a relationship can be thrown off balance, with one person trying desperately to get the other to commit, and the other resisting it.

In the reverse are the couples who date endlessly, putting off these kinds of discussions out of fear that it will drive the other person away or that they'll discover they're on two completely different pages. These couples miss out on the practice of deeply intimate talks, often leaving them in empty, superficial relationships.