How Well Do You Know
Your Online Lover?
Separating online lovers
from online liars
When David Stevens proposed to the woman he'd met online it looked like
another typical success story for Internet dating. The
relationship did not, however,
end happily for the lawyer from Cleveland and his partner, a divorcee from Chicago.
Stevens soon discovered that his 51-year-old fiancee was, in fact, still married.
When
the engagement subsequently collapsed, he threatened to sue, forcing his
former fiancee to pay $150,000 in an out-of-court settlement. But as the
American millionairess prepared to sign the check, her attorney, Jim
Owens,
discovered that the Bar Council, never listed a lawyer called David
Stevens.
Both cyber-flirts it seemed, had lied about their backgrounds.
As the Internet has developed into an easy place to find a partner, it has also
become an easy place for online lovers to lie about their personalities. But
while a smoothie in a singles bar can claim to be a fighter pilot in the Navy, a
wolf in a chat room can even claim to look like Tom Cruise. The very anonymity
that gives the Internet its popularity is also, it seems, its biggest danger.
According to Richard Booth, author of "Romancing The Net," the real threats in
cyberspace are not the "cyberpaths" who lie for fun, but the more common
cyberflirts who exaggerate their qualities. "The common problem online is not
conscious lying, but rather misrepresentation," he says. "Bald men say their
hair is 'thinning,' somewhat attractive women become 'stunning,' middle
managers become CEO's."
"Of course that often leads to disappointment when online lovers meet for the
first time."
For users sitting in their salon, the temptation to create their ideal selves in
cyberspace can sometimes be very strong, and may provide a pleasant
escape from real life love problems, says Booth. Online lovers may elaborate
everything about themselves, from appearance to occupation in order to
appeal to an online partner who sees only their e-mail. In a cyberworld without
visible wedding rings, marital status, in particular, is one of the most popular
subjects for online liars.
"A man in a passionless marriage goes online and connects with a woman
who offers him all the excitement and romance his real life lacks," explains
Booth. "So he says he's single, or going through a divorce, or thinking seriously
about leaving his wife. His cyber-partner gets invested in his promises and
begins to count on a future with this 'wonderful' man. Then, abruptly, he
disappears. He's had his fling but never really intended to leave his wife."
One woman who knows all about the pain of cyberdeception is Lisa Hubert.
After a year of being lied to by men she met online, Hubert set up a website
advising cybersingles on how to take precautions while surfing for love.
According to Hubert, online love runs a much higher risk of
being deceptive than a real-life relationship because of the
lack of real contact. "You have only what a person tells you to
believe," she says. "Unlike real-life relationships where you
have some idea of what a person drives, what they really
look like, how they live, etc., online you have none of that. You
give more trust than is actually due because you have no
choice."
Although it can be difficult to spot an
online lie, there are, says
Hubert red flags which should warn you when all isn't well. "When something strikes you as odd, peculiar or
nonsensical, don't brush it off as nothing,"
she advises. "Don't believe what you hear. Don't believe what you see. Pictures can be old - 'Glamour Shots' can do
miracles. People have lied about everything from their marital and child status, to hair and weight to
employment and criminal background."
An unwillingness to go into detail about work or family should also
ring alarm bells says Booth, but despite the risks, he still recommends the Internet as a good
place to look for partners. "Someday, there will be secure dating areas where profiles are
verified and misrepresentation is virtually impossible. Until then, I would urge potential cyber-lovers to
go slowly and be prepared to go through many casual acquaintances before establishing
a meaningful relationship."
Online Safety Rules
1. Be suspicious. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
2. Take time to build up trust. Online relationships develop more
slowly than real life relationships.
3. Do not give out your phone number until you've known each
other at least a month.
4. Look out for contradictions or
missing details.
5. Ask your chat room friends what they know about your new
cyber-partner.
6. Make your first meeting in a public place.
7. If you catch someone lying, dump them immediately.
"But for those who take their time and trust their intuition (instead of tuning out
their common sense), cyberspace can be a great place to form romantic
partnerships."
