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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do
by Nina Atwood, M. Ed., L.P.C.
Over and over, singles ask the same questions: How do I end my
relationship? There was once a song written about that: "Fifty Ways to
Leave Your Lover." How to do it is really the easy part: Just say it's
over! But the real question is much more difficult to answer: How do I end this relationship without hurting myself or the other person?
The answer to that is obvious. It is simply not possible to end a romantic
relationship without any kind of pain. In fact, it's unrealistic to expect
to do so. The nature of attachment is such that even if a relationship
isn't right, we can still become close and have to go through grief when
it's over.
Pain is an inevitable part of being alive. Our lives are filled with the
comings and goings of people, events, opportunities, and so on.
Disappointments abound, setbacks are a part of the process. When we have loss or disappointment, it's natural to feel a certain amount of pain, and
unrealistic to expect to never hurt, especially with regard to romantic
relationships. Suffering, on the other hand, is optional!
Suffering is what occurs when we seek to avoid pain by doing that which is ultimately not in our own or other's best interest. We numb ourselves with
television, food, alcohol, drugs, and sex. We avoid making difficult decisions, putting off the immediate pain in preference of suffering over
the long haul. In love relationships, we put off the break-up, naively expecting it to hurt less at some later point in time. We may even
camouflage our own avoidance by saying we don't want to hurt them.
The reality is that no one wants his or her love, energy, and life wasted
on someone who doesn't really want to be there. This hurts far worse than being told the truth, and therefore allowed to move on to someone else who
will be thrilled about being with me. Someone once said, "The truth will set you free." Someone else added, "But first, it may really piss you off!"
Yes, there's the initial sting of rejection and pain, but later there's
relief, and eventually there's the joy of being free to choose someone more loving and committed.
The answer to your question is: The least painful way to end a dating
relationship is to do it now, do it with honesty and integrity, and do it
with acknowledgment. The brief version of a conversation like this might
sound like: "After spending these past few (days, weeks, months) with you, I've come to realize that this relationship just isn't right for me.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you, it's a questions of what I want and need, and I'm sorry I couldn't find that in this relationship. I need
to move on at this time. I deeply appreciate the time and energy you shared with me. If you have any feelings you need to express to me about this, I'm
available now and in the future for you do so. I wish you the best - good luck and good-bye." Obviously, you have to do this in your own words, and
it will probably not come out so clear-cut as outlined here. The point is, be honest as soon as you know, be grateful for this person's participation
in your life, and be willing to hear them out while holding firm to your decision.
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