May 22 — Are you tired of looking for love in all the wrong places? Are you afraid to start dating again because you’re worried you’ve lost your touch? If so, you’re not alone. It’s often difficult and scary for people over 50 to start dating and socializing again, but there are some guidelines that may help you out on the dating scene. On NBC’s “Today,” Tom Blake, a syndicated columnist and author of the book, “Middle Aged and Dating Again,” offers some helpful advice for people dating the second time around. Read some of his tips below.

WHY THE RULES ARE DIFFERENT
       There are quite a few reasons things are different for people over fifty who are starting to date again. People are at a much different point in their lives, which affects everything: planning for retirement, grandkids and a general life transition.
       For many people who have had families and marriages, there are changes that come suddenly and one day all of those things are gone for whatever reason — death or divorce or kids leaving the house. One must heal first before moving forward. The problems are often that people don’t know where to go or who to ask about dating or even meeting new people. It’s not the same as when people were younger and in college living on a campus where it is much easier to meet singles. There aren’t places like that at this age. It’s important to get out there, do activities you like, but don’t necessarily go out there looking for a romance, or you’re setting yourself up to be disappointed; and that’s life. You need to be mentally available and healed and ready to date first. You shouldn’t rely on a replacement person to do the healing for you, that never works. One of the big reasons the rules and parameters are so different at this age is because when people are in their twenties and suffer hurt, they haven’t invested years in a relationship the way they have by age 50. Within a couple of weeks young people are able to get back out there and younger people bounce back quicker. Because it is a little harder for people in their 50s to get out there, they often begin with a fear going into a relationship. People that are older are not as secure. They have wrinkles, have gained a little weight and perhaps always had that friend to rely on to go out into the world with and that friend may not be there anymore because of their own marriage or even because they may have passed away.
       
WHY SEX IS A BIG ISSUE IN THE RULES FOR DATING AT THIS AGE
       You may no longer be afraid of getting pregnant, however there is something new for people at this age to consider that they didn’t have to when they were younger. There was nothing back then like there is now as far as the fear of H.I.V and A.I.D.S goes. There is no reason why an adult would want to play Russian roulette with their life and while this is a concern for people of all ages there is a new statistic out there that the fastest growing incidence of H.I.V and venereal disease is among people age 65 and older and the reason for that is that there are more divorces, increased promiscuity, and even Viagra has had a lot to do with it because of the increased sexual activity of people this age.
       
CHILDREN PLAY A BIG ROLE IN THE RULES
       Older people that are out there dating bring more baggage to a relationship from past relationships including many things like divorce and even finances, and while children and grandchildren are a wonderful thing, they can present a challenge for people in the dating arena. Whether a person’s child is perhaps moving back in with them or if they still have children at home to raise, it’s hard to make time for a new mate. And while your children are very important, you have to remember you have raised your children already and have to make your mate a top priority to make the relationship work. In no way should parents forget about their children, but it’s important to remember that adults of this age have paid their dues and need to make time for themselves and their own lives as well and concentrate on a healthy relationship.

HOW CAUTIOUS ARE PEOPLE AT THIS AGE AND DO THEY REVEAL THEMSELVES COMPLETELY AS SOON AS THEY MIGHT HAVE AT AGE TWENTY?
       A lot of people are wary when they are older, and more suspicious, but rightly so because one of the problems — the mid-life dating arena — is that people are often less honest because of past baggage. For example: When people file Internet profiles they often aren’t true and a lot of deception goes on. While again this can happen to younger people as well, younger people are more open as they have less baggage to bring to the table. Older people are also more set in their ways, and are less willing to change. There is a fear of being hurt and getting rejected since older people are more aware of the repercussions of it and have already been through it. Older people are back in the dating world because they had a loss of some kind and it’s a little harder to open themselves up as a result of that. There are many people that get along and meet and are more open and honest because they have been able to drag their baggage out of the closet and throw it away and have happier more open relationships as a result, but for many people at this age, openness is a harder thing to accomplish.

RULES FOR DATING AT THIS AGE
       Make a list:
       It’s important to make a list of qualities you would like to have in a person. It’s essential so you don’t repeat the mistake you made before, which people at this age tend to do often when starting to date again.
       Women need to be more assertive:
       This is not meant to be sexist at all! This is a generational issue. Women at this age grew up and were first dating in a different generation where it wasn’t as acceptable to ask a man out or pay for a dinner or plan for a weekend getaway. It’s more than OK to be more assertive in dating, to meet a man at the grocery store in the produce department and write their name on a grapefruit.
       As people approach age 60, the ratio of available women to men is as high as five to one. If a woman wants to meet a mate, chances are far better if she is out, getting involved and outgoing. Women need to jump into this generation.
       Avoid perfection:
       Nobody’s perfect, and especially not at this age. Everyone by this age has experiences and baggage to drag in. It’s much more sensible to look for your match, someone who shares common interests, goals. If you look for perfection, you will be disappointed.
       Heed red flags:
       This certainly applies to every age group, however it’s especially important that older people pay attention to their instincts. Watch behavior. If someone seems too good to be true they probably are. If friends tell you he is married or a jerk, listen. They’re probably right. If they never introduce their friends and family, borrow money, are vague, only use a cell phone, these could be red flags to consider. People this age should have some baggage and history by now, unlike a younger person. This is not the same social scene you had when you were younger, where you knew everybody at school who knew everybody else. Older people are alone and often retired and may not have the close-knit group or circle of coworkers and family and friends that know of this person that you may have met in a new surrounding, group or on the Internet.
       Don’t look for younger mates:
       You don’t need to date 25-year-olds to feel good about dating again. It’s so important to just date somebody who feels and acts as young as you do. Dating people much older than you is great too, it’s all a matter of how you think and feel together. When you were younger you always dated within a year or two of your age but now it’s OK if you are compatible and someone is 25 years older than you.

       Tom Blake is a syndicated columnist and author of “Middle Aged and Dating Again.”